


Pointless

by ABladeOfIves



Category: Dean Winchester - Fandom, SPN, Supernatural, Supernatural on the CW
Genre: CW, Depressed Dean Winchester, Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Notes, depressed, suicidal, suicide mentioned, suicide note
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-25 22:34:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18711040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ABladeOfIves/pseuds/ABladeOfIves
Summary: I use Dean Winchester as an outlet to describe depression. I guess it kinda, sorta fits the character.





	Pointless

**Author's Note:**

> Please be warned, fic has strong descriptions and references to depression and suicide.

We always think that there’s this set-in-stone, dramatised roleplay that goes into suicide. The writing of the letter, the crying, the pretty, glistening face that’s swallowing handfuls of pills before falling asleep, forever.

He’d seen it all before, the depression aesthetic and “awareness” posts that plaster the internet every day. He’s experiencing something entirely different. 

There was no long letter. “I’m sorry, there’s no point, please don’t be sad”, would cut it just fine. There’s no calls to the hospitals or the hotlines, because they can’t help him. They can’t. The world is a greedy, capitalised and doomed place, he has no purpose here.

He can’t properly express the experience with words, due to being talentless and out of practice, unwilling to learn how (much like the author). 

The isolated childhood, the invalidation of everything he felt. Music to get him through the day and offer false words of encouragement. Do you know what that got him? A life of growing older and more disappointed. 

“I should have-, I could have-, I would have-,I didn’t-“, and that’s it. There’s no fixing his life now. It ended when he was a child, but his primal instincts, fear, kept him around. He _fucking_ hates those stupid, primal instincts.

A flicker of guilt is alight somewhere, he can’t quite locate it. He knows that leaving Sam, Cas and Jack behind is unfair. They didn’t ask for the grief they’re about to receive.  
But they hadn’t asked to deal with his waste of existence either. They didn’t ask to be burdened by him. They didn’t ask for the slew of disappointments. He was doing the world a courtesy.

Dean Winchester wants so much more. He wishes with all his soul that he could BE MORE, but he isn’t. He can’t be. Living is pointless.

**Author's Note:**

> Author is not in immediate danger at this time, but validation is always appreciated.


End file.
